The Next Middle East Peace Plan

I’m no Friedman or Carter or anyone with a particularly in-depth knowledge of the festering sore that is the Middle East, and by “festering sore that is the Middle East” I mean the festering Israeli/Palestinian sore...but I do know this: there is only one plan that will make peace in the Middle East and it is a plan I like to call My Plan. My Plan is based on a highly non-academic theory known as the One Big Wheel - Two Kid Theory but it makes more sense than anything else I have ever heard on the subject. When my brother and I were fighting over the one Big Wheel my parents foolishly bought us, thinking we would share it, there was only one peace plan available for consideration and it was the “share it or we are taking it away from both of you” plan. We never shared it. It was always taken away. And more often than not, we would skulk off to play street hockey. Peace in the form of the two of us beating the shit out of each other with hockey sticks. Not all that peaceful perhaps, but all was certainly quiet on the Big Wheel front. My Plan takes the One Big Wheel - Two Kid Theory and applies it directly to the One Motherland - Two Claimant problem thusly...First you get the Friedmans, the Carters, the Clintons and whoever else wants to join in the futility to come up with one last brilliant, Israel/Palestine share-plan that will be rejected at the final hour of a 12 day summit for some totally arbitrary reason (like there was a menstruating pig in the vicinity when the catered lunch was delivered) and then...you take it away from both of them. You then turn the region formerly known as Israel, Palestine, Canaan, etc. into international territory and technically property of everyone, including all the religious wing-nuts that still believe their god is going to ride back into town and crown their people king (and wipe out the Jews of course because all gods, except for the cool Jewish one, want to wipe out the Jews). The Jews and Palestinians are then relocated to deserts of their choosing at opposite ends of the planet. That’s My Plan-A. My Plan-B is you still take it away from both of them but instead of making it international territory you give it to the Disney Corporation. They then turn it into a theme park called Holyland and start raking in the shekels; half of which must be used to bail out the world’s festering sore of an economy. When you arrive at the gates of Holyland, instead of being greeted by creepy people in Goofy and Mickey suits, you will be greeted by creepy people wearing Yasser Arafat and Menachem Begin suits. Some quick snaps on the old iPhone with some of the heroes of the horrors of the last 50 odd years and then off you go to wait 9 hours for one ride on Falafel Mountain. After that, you can buy an overpriced bag of foam rubber rocks at any one of the many concession stands and throw them at brightly colored tanks as they roll by blaring “It’s a Small Jew and Palestinian Hating World After All”, or even better, you can hurl them at people as they fly past you on the latest death defying roller-coaster called The Rubber Bullet. Peace and prosperity for one and all. Temporary peace at any rate...bring on the hockey sticks.