Internet Porn

Anyone who is reading this is probably old enough to remember the days before Internet pornography. When acquiring pornographic material meant living by your wits and discovering it in Dad’s secret hiding place or, if you were old enough, dealing with the shame (and strangely the judgment of the dude selling it to you) of having to actually go and buy it. There was a level of respect and appreciation in those days that just doesn’t exist anymore. We treated it much like the Native American treated the Buffalo. First we gave thanks to the porn gods and then we dug in. And we used all of it. Starting with the table of contents, moving on to the stories and cartoons, right on down to the postage stamp sized phone-sex ads at the back. Nothing was wasted and nothing was ever thrown away. I distinctly remember a sack of porn from college (a Hefty Lawn and Leaf Bag to be exact) that was passed from house to house. One day you’d wake to find it on your doorstep and it was understood that you would accept it graciously and give it a kind and caring home. I think one of the problems is that there are just too many sites out there and, not unlike the crappy news we now get as a result of the 24 hour news cycle, this means a lot of the content just isn’t up to par (not that I would know any of this firsthand but I do have two trusty Internet porn research assistants who tell me so). For instance, if two fat people in New Jersey start having sex, someone is firing up the dv-cam, filming it and then posting it to some site with the word “tube” in the title, i.e. NewJerseyFatPeopleSexTube. Not that there is anything wrong with fat people having sex mind you. I have plenty of fat friends but whenever they start having sex not only do I not film it, I usually leave the room. The other issue that my “too many sites theory” raises is that many of the site names don’t make sense any more. Newcomers have been forced to string random words together in meaningless combinations like: PussyCockAssDonkeyMountain.com or TittyManTeenKingMovieMonsterBusFlower.tv (I don’t actually know if either of these site names are taken by the way. If you’re interested I suggest you act fast). But of all the sites that my trusty research assistants came across there was one in particular that I was offended by; Ass is Ass. Yep, that’s right. Ass is just Ass, end of story. Is anyone else bothered by this? How about, Ass is Amazing? Or, Ass is Awesome. Or Ass is the thing that will one-day cause you to get hit by a bus. Those are all much more ass-appropriate porn site names if you ask me. I don’t know what tagline BMW is using these days to get people to buy their cars but I know what it isn’t: BMW, a car is a car. I don’t know what Porsche is using either but I’m pretty sure it’s not: Porsche, there’s probably another well-engineered German sports car out there just like ours, maybe you should buy that one instead. Okay, so, yeah, ignore some Internet porn and go do something productive. Learn to speak Mandarin Chinese or help Stephen Hawking figure out his theory of everything or at the very least help the Ass is Ass people come up with a better name for their site...wait a minute, here’s a thought: Ass, the ultimate driving machine. Nah, probably taken.